Laotze's Dialogues

Tag: process pain

  • Finding Meaning in the Loss of a Loved One

    We have been granted the fortune of love, and the tragedy of loss. The the journey ahead and the answers we may find are unique, but the common place where we all meet is the necessity of exploring and grasping the nature and conditions of our grief. An alarming prospect. But no more than the danger of looking away. Despite all the chaos and confusion, we find the correct answers by looking in. We know something died, but may ignore something is alive still. In the exhausting struggle to avoid pain, we may be causing more and more.

    A fragment of grief

    Anguish spurs from the absence of a beloved person in our lives. The departure has brought the end of the cherished relationship, tearing apart something inside us. What exactly pains? The absence of unique interactions, a smile, all the shared memories. No. Not only what was, but also what would never be, and the directionless love, formidable yet without object. There is an attenuation of the world. We water the flowers, but the colors keep fading away. Black or white, the decision does not matter. We have a wildfire inside of us, and still, we feel cold. We feel so much and so little.

    Looking for salvation

    For each nature and circumstance, there is a way of grieving. Pain might take the shape of blame, guilt, tears, isolation, or even the inability to process what is happening, what we feel, or anything. We search for extinguishing at whatever expense the suffocating flame. We venture into the world searching for answers, and answers we will find. Their effectiveness is questionable, nonetheless. If not out, the resolution must be in. However, how are we supposed to look inside when there is so much noise? What if amputating our grief implies severing part of ourselves?

    Two sides of the same coin

    “Something died inside of me” is a common way to describe in a few words a world falling apart. However, how could something dead hurt so much? There is no doubt something with roots in our chest has been yanked. Part of us might have withered, but the other is alive, and grieving. Such thing is the love in our chest, palpable, even if deprived of direction, turned sour, in agony, the one we have the intent to exile. Recognizing such a relation is vital for making sense of grief. In this light, a decision is in our hands: preserving this love to watch its metamorphosis, or turning our backs on it.

    Alteration of who we are

    Regardless of the will to protect the blaze or not, this unique human being will have a long-lasting effect on us, a permanent shift. We might encounter such changes in acquired mannerisms, habits, tastes, ways of reacting, perceiving the world, feeling, and loving. Memories may be forgotten, through natural cause or prompted, objects may be destroyed, and years may pass. But, until air stops coming in and out of our lungs, a piece will remain within us, along with a timeless scar.

    The courage to feel

    We might find solace in experiencing this pain as a reflection of the love that dear person inspired and appreciating the impact their existence caused. Nevertheless, we must learn about certain aspects of this experience because it may not be the last. If we wish to love, the pain that follows must be accepted. To the same extent we can feel joy, we feel sorrow. Our skin, tender and sensitive, is prone to bruises, burns, and cuts. Were we to toughen it, turn it stonelike, we would not have to worry about the flame, or being hurt in any way. Not without losing the ability to feel a caress in the process.

  • Obtain Tranquility Through Conquering Your Emotions

    Is that activity so important or rewarding, as to justify your spent time or merely a means to deal with a torment? There are emotions through which we can experience pain, such as grief, fear, disappointment, loneliness, melancholy, or despair. The sting could be unbearable to the extent of feeling like a thrust with a blade. Some might say fear cuts deeper than swords. To this, we must answer somehow, and the action taken, or lack of action, will have repercussions. We choose to conquer or avert our gaze from our emotions.

    Distraction, the noisier the better

    Distraction is one of the most common approaches to avoid pain. We would look for something noisier than our thoughts, consume entirely the focus available, or render our ability to think useless, like ceasing to exist momentarily. We are not concerned with whether a particular activity is constructive or destructive, but the reason we find ourselves seduced by it — the promise of cheap comfort. Yes, we might discover temporal relief. Nevertheless, when we awake from that sweet sleep, the dread might come again, stronger. Then a cycle of endless chase after mindlessness starts again.

    Exploring the concept of conquering emotions

    The alternative is not as pleasant, nor easy, but it provides a way of acquiring tranquility more stably; conquering our emotions. Such a task not merely consists of making peace with the feeling, but also absorbing its impact and having the courage to moderate it. We allow ourselves to coexist, explore, and comprehend this sensation, its root, and its meaning. However, we can’t let it consume us. Even if, some nightmares are harsh and we do not want to look them in the eye, the choice of how we act falls upon us. We must gather the strength to decide what is the best and take action accordingly.

    A prudent approach toward conquering our emotions

    Even if conquering one’s emotions is the ideal we must strive for, often the blow is overwhelming, able to knock us down. Should we give up on our pursuit? No. Rather, finding a more reasonable approach to such a model is the right answer, which is impossible if we have the delusional perception that we are flawless, or invincible. We will falter. However, bouncing back has a higher impact than never err. That is to say, we must model the archetype to the best of our ability. If the weight is too oppressive, we can put it down, drag it, or rest to start fresh tomorrow.

    Take action

    The futility of using distraction as a solution is evident; not only will it be brief, and unsustainable, but also the feeling we fear might be reignited anytime from whatever situation we find ourselves in. Instead, we must switch the strategy to conquering our emotions; have the courage not to avert our gaze, and be willing to accept that part of the self. As we drop the struggle against ourselves, tranquility will emerge, and there will be enough room for our emotions to breathe and express themselves as our particular nature wills it. At that point, we might not be happy, but at least we can be at peace.